In the last few months Amy and I have had the pleasure of running a number of postpartum sexuality workshops for new mothers. To get things started, we ask the women to brainstorm some of the challenges of maintaining a fulfilling sex life when you’re a new parent. As you might imagine, the issue of ‘time’ is the most common obstacle. While many of the suggestions we offer are specific to new motherhood, our favourite piece of advice is something that can be applied to all couples who are struggling to find time for sex:
Scheduling your sex life may not sound particularly romantic, but the reality is that it is the most romantic thing you can do. Why? We plan for things we value. If we want to make sure something happens, we set aside a specific time to work on it. The reality is that we’re never going to get through our entire “To Do” list. We can’t always have a spotless house, an empty inbox, a gourmet meal on the table (and the list goes on)!
It just isn’t possible. Every day we consciously (or unconsciously) make decisions about what we value by choosing what we put at the top of our priority list.
So, if you and your partner would like to spend more intimate time together, here are a few suggestions to help make it happen:
Create date nights. At the beginning of the month, pull out the calendar and choose a few nights to spend together. Some couples like to alternate who makes the plan, while others prefer to plan together. The key is that you have set the time aside – whether it’s an hour, a night, or a whole weekend.
Choose the right time. Reflect on when you’re most likely to be relaxed and ‘in the mood’, and schedule accordingly. For instance, many couples have ‘before bed’ as their default time for sex. However, it’s easy for one (or both) of you to be tired. If that’s the case, try having sex at another time of day when you’re more likely to feel alert and connected.
Communicate your desire beforehand. This will this help to clarify what you’re both looking for (the tone, the type of activities, etc) and make it more likely for you to both get want you need. Plus it will also help to build excitement!
Kim & Amy Sedgwick love to discuss sex, periods, and all the other things we’re not supposed to talk about. The co-founders of Red Tent Sisters and ecosex.ca, they’ve been featured in every major Canadian news outlet and have become a trusted resource for women seeking natural (effective!) birth control, a more joyful sex life, and an empowered journey to motherhood.