Red Tent Sisters

I am about to embark on a rather large trip … next week I am going to be flying to South Korea to begin a year long teaching contract. Luckily I have a few friends over there already. Recently I was talking on the phone with one of my friend’s mom and she was giving me advice on what to pack based on what she’s heard from her daughter. [Bare with me, this is getting around to something relevant to the store!!]

In a bubbly, extrovert’s voice she said “you won’t need to take a wide variety of work clothes, the women tend to wear almost a uniform of black pants or black skirt and a suit jacket, day in and day out.” “That’s great news” I said. “I was getting concerned about my luggage limit … packing for four seasons, and both work and play is challenging! I figure I’ll try to pack my smaller suitcase with clothes and my larger with the other ‘life’ stuff, like toiletries etc.”. In her booming voice she responded “they don’t have the same brands so if you have a favourite brand of shampoo then you might want to take it but ‘Suzy’ has found a bunch decent brands there … ooooh but they supposedly do have some familiar brands for face cleansers and other facial products … “. She paused momentarily and her voice suddenly dropped in volume “you might want to stock up on your favourite brand of tampons or pads because I don’t know what they have over there. They might have similar products but I don’t know and ‘Suzy’ didn’t say …”. Her voice rose again and she continued on with some other comments.

As she had started talking about menstrual products a response jumped into my mind, “oh I don’t have to worry about buying menstrual products because I use a Keeper”. The sentence ran through my mind and yet for some reason I didn’t say anything. It ran through my mind again, the moment was still there to say something … yet I still didn’t say anything besides “umm hmm”. Most likely she wouldn’t have known what a Keeper was and yet I didn’t make use of the opportunity to teach her about reusable menstrual products. The opportunity was there to let her know how much I love my Keeper and how awesome it’s been that I haven’t had to worry about buying menstrual products for the past 3 ½ years. I didn’t say anything AND THEN … the moment was past. We were onto other topics and I quickly felt a swift kick in my butt … from myself. WHY HADN’T I SAID ANYTHING!? Argh. That question plagued me after I hung up. Slightly neurotic? Perhaps! J But the fact that I hadn’t corrected her bothered me and it took me a while to start to unravel why.

First of all, I’ll explain why it bothered me. It bothered me because I don’t think menstruation should be a taboo topic yet I treated it like one. If she had said “your eyes are orange and your hair is purple” I would have said “ummm actually my eyes are blue and my hair is dark brown.” If she had said “I saw a pair of size 4 pants on sale at Smart Set” I would have said “too bad, I wear a size 10.” Yet when she said “you might want to consider stocking up on tampons and pads” I didn’t say “oh I don’t use those, I use a Keeper”. Recently my oh-so-insightful brother said “Ellen you’re trying to ignore taboos and do away with them but at the same time you’re aware that there are taboos and that by ignoring them, you are breaking them”. I know I am not alone in experiencing this quandary.

In her book, The Curse: Confronting the Last Unmentionable Taboo: Menstruation [1999] Karen Houppert [book available at the Red Tent Sisters!] writes:

I’ve become aware of the way I self-censor conversations about my work. When women ask me what I’m up to these days, I tell them I’m working on a book about menstruation and the culture of concealment surrounding it …. When men ask me the same question, I tell them that I’m writing a book. … Sometimes I catch myself – “How can you be writing a book about the hush surrounding menstruation and then perpetuate it?” – and make myself frankly describe the book. But the act requires conscious effort. [pages 240 -241]

Shortly after the phone call I told some friends about it. During our conversation two of my friends recounted recent “incidents” of their own that mirrored mine [interestingly all of our encounters were with individuals who were at least 20 years older than us]. All three of us are intelligent, well-spoken feminist educators who are passionate about issues of sexuality, gender, and women’s health, yet all three of us silenced ourselves through self-censorship. In my case, was I trying to avoid embarrassing my friend’s mom by talking about menstrual products in detail? Was I worried I would be embarrassed? Worried that perhaps she would think I was weird? Was I afraid that I would unleash a torrent of information about how horrid I think disposable menstrual products are, perhaps offending her in the process!!?

While I don’t have any firm answers I think that it has been useful to reflect on why my “lie of omission” occurred and why it bothered/bothers me so much. For example, simply by sharing my story with my friends new conversational terrain was opened up and I found out that I am not alone in self-censoring. Nor am I alone in feeling the regret it inspires and the sense of bewilderment why I/we would not speak up and out about issues important to me/us. Most of the time when I speak the space between thinking and speaking tends to be very small – sometimes this gets me in trouble! Ha ha. However, every once in a while, like in the scenario outlined above, I become conscious that my thoughts have hit a filter and I have to make a split second decision. Do I say what my initial and true response is, or do I alter it to make it more socially acceptable? Altering often takes the shape of omitting key details – details that I share loudly and proudly in other situations. Reflecting on incidents of self-censorship can be useful as it helps prepare me to be more true to myself, my priorities and my passions the next time a split second decision – honesty or censorship? – comes along.

Ok, “alternative-menstrual-products-discussion-opportunity” … where are ya? I’m ready and waiting!! E.

Labels: Censorship, Menstrual Cups, Menstrual Products, Menstruation, The Keeper

# posted by Amy Sedgwick @ 2:55 PM 0 Comments